Monday, September 6, 2004

Tamagotchis Strike Back

Humanity was once endangered of being dominated by little alien creatures from cyberspace. These creatures had literally invaded every household by masquerading as tiny pets. As they needed love to survive and grow.Who can resist these pests, or "adorable" pets, and the imploring eyes of those humpty-dumpty kids. I'm talking about tamagotchis. According to a japanese story, a certain professor(I hope he was not bald) and his assistant found them as they crashed landed on earth. They built them egg-shaped protection cases and eventually started the craze.

Years had passed since the tamagotchi craze in this country and everything seemed well. Along with a couple of friends who owned one or even a brood of those critters, we recounted those dark times and laughed about how pathetic, aside from being downright ridiculuos, it was talking to a bot. Curse those parents who barely had enough time for their kids. They could have bought them a ferocious bloodhound instead. Anyway, I don't have anything against these tamagotchis nor did I harbor grudge against that selfish four-eyed geek back then who refused to give me even the slightest glimpse of the sleeping devil. Embittered that my folks had given me the stupid hound when i wanted a sledge hammer so that I could have crushed the tamagotchi, I've nursed a deep dislike of virtual pets in me.

I outgrew the rage and was then attracted to the bespectacled beauty of my childhood years... the geek! Fortunately, there is such a thing as change and it did her a successful make over and a nice boob job.hehe I must admit that I had used the tamagotchis to my advantage as I slowly squeezed in her... ooh so lovely life. Everything went well between us until that unforgettable day...

We were on our first date then, we were walking along the park... we talked and laughed about her childhood oddities. It was ok, then her pouch shook like a rat's gonna leap out anytime. I was taken aback when she reached in for an eavesdropper that was there all along, dolled up for the occassion. It was wearing a psychedelic violet sock with a pedophile gay bear in a red midriff print. Not only had she invited her guest, she unleashed the mean and ugly tamagotchi-killing-tamagotchi in me.

It was that moment I realized that my bestfriend Britney was indeed another tamagotchi. Could she really be one of the evil tamagochis' incarnate? Yes! And here's the design protocol I got from their headquarters.

the ugly critter inside my cellphone

  • get a pet to be noticed - I still remember those days when they wouldn't let me join egg catching for only they, the "elite" guards of tamagotchis, are allowed to participate. I snarled back on them and headed to the principals office. "They want attention, they'll get detention..." Oh, sweet revenge for the devil that i was. Anyway, i'm sorry to break this to you but it is very hard to cope up with your peers if you don't have a cellphone nowadays. That is if you don't live in a place where you'll break your bones before you could get a single bar of that fucking signal. good for you! Read on and see what i mean.

  • play with them - Pets are suckers for attention. Haven't you noticed that horny dog humping on your knees or that feline who wishes to be cuddled up whenever its stomach says so? As if it loves you... It's all catnip and caviar to your cats! So the ignoramus and the bored play with their pets, and with their cellphones too. Haven't you noticed that that person will ignore you as long as he/she can break the world record for the longest and greediest snake. I wonder if they were so caught up in the game or were just pretending to be so they can ignore your goddamn existence. Personally, i'd rather be buried alive than spend my life with a bunch of these losers.

  • doll them up - It is true that some people use pets to get in their lust interest's pants. The same with cellphones. Some guys brandish their newest ninety-O-10 models as did the cavemen with their clubs back in the stone age. The only difference is, cavemen used theirs to hit women hard enough to knock them unconscious and drag them to the nearest motel while today, some women dig guys with the tiniest of cellphones as if it meant an X= 1/Y2 with their members. Face it, its true!

  • feed them - Of course, you need to feed the pets, how are they gonna survive with just playing or hairballs. I mean credits for your cellphones. Did you really think that it's just a simple tamagotchi? Okay, here is the scary part as i'm about to prove that an evil critter operates behind every cellphone... It is common knowledge that telecommunication companies charge exorbitant prices on their services. And the critter made a very big mistake of offering me FREEBIES. Being the big ignoramus that i am, i jumped at he opportunity. Little did i know that they're gonna put an extra charge for that every week. I read the advert carefully, if i may say so, but it was clearly stated that its free. Total rip-off! FUCK YOU! If i were you guys, send your very own tamagotchis back where it belong, to cyberspace and run for you lives for it'll soon be raining egg-shaped UFO's.

I'm not forcing you to believe me but I've seen the evils lurking behind these cellphones. Don't worry, its not you my friend. The way they keep you up all night, just listen to its shrieking tone. Scary, isn't it? But if you mock me for revealing its ugly face, I'll give you five more reasons curled up to a fist why I abhor them.hehehe

So you see, the world is at greater risk. with tamagotchis multiplying at a rate of 10millionth there is no way of winning the war against them. Worse, it has undergone a transformation(and still evolving) that some people grew a deep fascination for them that they find tamagotchis indispensable.

NOTE: After writing this DEATHunmasked broke up with the geek and crushed Britney(the name of his cellphone) with a sledge hammer.

1 comment:

  1. ok..i read ur entry about the tamagochi and just so u know I bought an upgraded one features including IR that goes wid the egg so u can transfer one tamagochi character to ur egg... and it has a gender now..u have to name it and wen it reaches the age of 18yrs old(18days).It nids to have a partner to mate and have a kid..YES they r multiplying..Im just a sucker for these eggs...hehe..its becoz I have nothin to do here so id settle for anything that would burn my damn time...wahehhehe..dami ku sinabi..15mins more and am outta hir arrgh..tgal!