Monday, September 13, 2004

Parental Guidance

During my childhood years, was around 3-5yrs I guess, I was often left under our neighbors' supervision when my parents were busy earning money. I spent most of time with Longkoy, a hare lipped friend, who couldn't pronounce Bjorn (bee-yorn) and calls me bon instead. You wouldn't know how good friends we were; I actually have a scar on my left wrist that signifies our bond. He inscripted it with molten plastic one time we were high on rugby and busy committing genocide on those unfortunate ants.

He was my best bud, my partner in crime. Stealing condoms that make good balloons from his aunt's stash, painting each others' toe-nails with liquid eraser and dressing up like manangs with his mom's bras were among our favorite pastimes. But what we most enjoy was watching brainless action movies while drinking root beer, thinking it was beer since it sounded like it. I never liked the taste of it though.

Among the movies I've watched, a few influenced me greatly. And to this day I regret watching them in the first place.

TOP 5 MOVIES OF MY LIFE
PEPENG AGIMAT 1980's (Ramon Revilla) - Like most of his movies, which revolve around talismans and amulets, this one was a "blockbuster". It is a story of a poor farmer who avenged his family's fate from guerillas with the power of electricity. He got this superhuman power one stormy night when a lightning bolt had struck a tree and left its fang (amulet) there.
Moral: During stormy nights, when thunder and lightning were terrifying, I would take out my vicinity map and plot where the nearest lightning hit was and inspect it the morning after only to find burnt leaves and branches.
Highlight: Our hero accidentally killed a friend during a storm. Water conducts electricity! With great power comes great responsibility.

HERCULES 1983 (Lou Ferrigno) - I'm not sure if this is the movie i am referring to or Hercules, Samson and Ulysses. I can only remember two scenes from this, (a) Hercules lifts a log twice his size and throws it to outer space, (b) it was something like that of the American Idol OBB, wherein a gold-complexioned Ulysses poses like a constipated bowler under the scorching heat of the sun.
Moral: With only my Jockey on, I sunbathed without putting on some sunblock lotion. 15min had passed and nothing happened with my complexion so I decided to ape his pose for another 15min. I gave up. I can't wait for 20 more years!
Highlight: Do the two scenes count?

CANDYMAN 1992 (Tony Todd) - Story of a son whose father was lynched and was back with a hook and vendetta. The candyman barges in from a mirror and embowels his poor victims only when the lights are out and called forth three times.
Moral: Against the part of me that still wants to live, I tried to prove the myth false. Trembling in front of my full length mirror, I turned the lights off and began to ring my own death knell. "Candyman...Candyman...makes the sign of the cross...." then I chickened out.
Highlight: A horny chick tried to lure the villain. I can still remember the terror in her eyes.

SHE-MAN 1980's Philippines' gay version of HeMan. It started out slow but picked up when a gay hermit appeared in the scene and was beaten up by drunkards. Our hero helped the old fag and as a token of gratitude, "it" gave him the power to combat evil that will soon plague their town. Hesitant, he finally gives in and waited for a magical banana flower to bloom. Comes 12midnight, he drank the first drops and---voila!---he turned into a superSHEro!
Moral: I was all geared up, my flashlight ready, mosquito repellent, jacket and a rosary in hand. Sadly, my mom didn't allow me for fear that I might turn out gay!
Highlight: It is a gay film and so is everyone else. Even Skeletor!

SIXTH SENSE 1999 (Haley Joel Osment) - M. Night Shyamalan's penchant for corpses and spooky filmmaking with unexpected twists sends me the creeps. It has this element that haunts moviegoers to their grave. The story is about a psychotic child who was incessantly harassed(which includes an bulimic ghost who threw up a phlegm-green goo on the poor kid) by restless souls.
Moral: After watching the movie, I didn't have a good sleep for two weeks. And I had started missing my classes because I doubted the geezer who conducts them. He had this postmortem pallor, corpse like torsos and a poignant smell. Creepy!
Highlight: The psychiatrist (Bruce Willis) was killed by a homosexual pervert whom he had molested during his treatment.

Note: I admit that I am this gullible in believing these movies were true. Where were my parents back then?

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