Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Bed of Roses

There is something nostalgic in flowers. A rose's thorns for instance are pinpricks in my heart. They send me alarming and terrifying memories of my teenage years. A white orchid sends me trembling in fear. And sunflowers follow me in dreams like a fantastic fairy tale any child won't miss listening. They don't make me sleep. Like coffee to an insomniac.

On the other hand, my mommy loved flowers. She's like a bee serenading them, kissing and loving them like they're her own children. I envied them. They made me feel like I was adopted. But I love my mommy. I'd pick all the flowers in the world for her. But not her own, her precious nursery of spoiled orchids. I remember very well... (tears start to fall..hehe)

I woke up early one morning, excited as was usual, but something out of the ordinary caught my attention. My neck craned to its direction and a luminous white orchid, bathed in morning dew sauna, had just awakened before my very eyes. It was one of the most precious moments in a person's lifetime and I had it when I was just four years old.

Great, I said to my self and I had to let my mommy know about this before anyone does. I would rush up the house to find her. My lola would then be concerned of the sudden fit of excitement in me; and not long I would find my mommy attending to her bonsai. I would sneak up behind her, the flower clasped behind my back, and I'd give my mommy a kind, imploring smile. She would pay me an inquiring glance but she'd eventually bend over to give me a kiss as to submit. I would hand her the orchid with both palms extended to her chest. The dew drops glistening against the slant of the sun, a perfect scene of a great offering. I was very excited. My heart skipped eight beats imagining mommy's reaction.

My mom was aghast. She cracked the whip on me, in front of my lola's protests. I was literally on my knees, tears watering the conflagration on my palms caused by the merciless whiplash. I was four years old then, for christ sake. I was young and ignorant. She beat me black and blue just because of a goddamned flower!!! I was supposed to give it to her thinking it will make her happy. But I was wrong.

My mommy is 46yrs. old now and she has been perennially betrayed by her health. And her majestic beauty in my life might soon be taken away from my own garden. I don't want this to happen, not now. I don't want my dreams of a botanical garden for her be left unfulfilled. I still haven't told her that I picked up that orchid because I was going to give it to her and I loved her inspite that heart rending incident.

And that is why I don't give flowers. I am afraid to be hurt again.

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