i feel so alone...im scared...please join me in my grave...
elcome! I've been waiting for you to come. Come in and shut the door behind you. You have reached assurbanipal, the last bastion of intellectual self-gratification. I am DEATHunmasked, keeper of the porn, the third brainchild of a deranged jobless architect. From here on, i will be your personal guide as we take a retreat to the scary chambers of death. So why were you here in the first place? I bet they were pretty tough on such an unfortunate soul named you. I'd like you to feel at home then.You must be tired from that annual procession of lost souls, so here, drink up while you listen to the soulful banshee, Britney Spears. It's really nice to have her around and i don't know why decent men abhor her. So, how's your rigor mortis now? Probably the drink has kicked in already.
e must get going, there will soon be another soul knocking on my door, and i don't want to leave you disoriented. But before we take a slow descent into the unlit chambers of this crypt you must first clear your head of sad thoughts for those will only make it heavier as soon as you're imbued with the wisdom of true happiness. And stop fantasizing about those damned pornstars! Then, rid your face of that talcum powder, you will be painted with pastel colors that better suit your pale pallor. And finally, shed your clothes off as you would be joining entombed souls in a festive debauchery before you rise from the dead. Yes, you'll be reincarnated into a beautiful zombie as did those cute budgies that morphed into full-fledged crows. But don't get too excited as it will not be an easy journey. Like others who came before you, some were trapped in the bowels of death while others chose to stay in the audio visual room to watch Jenna Jameson and Peter North do the nookie.
he decision on which route of escape you'll take will be yours to make and i hope you'll reach the light at the end of the tunnel. Should you enter the chamber of sad lives, wherein you will be commiting a grievous and unholy trangression against the norms, you should prepare your mind to be indoctrinated with my misery. And as you go on to the chamber of dark art, worldly evils and vexations will materialize before your eyes and you will begin to understand my conviction of taking refuge in this lonely abode. Don't tell me i didn't warn you. Now, don't get scared for my life is like a cliche that only sounds better with each retelling and you may even spread the word to friends and to enemies as well. We could start a cryptic movement against those who have done you evil and those pesky ghouls who had ransacked my grave and took my Britney's autographed portrait. Upon completing the course, you will be granted rebirth and a limited edition DEATHunmasked pin. You will rise from your grave and get to your feet, you may feel pain and limp a little as you take your first steps and (by this time, you've reached the end of the tunnel) a blinding light will greet you as you open those muck-encrusted eyes to a whole new world.
side from the exciting experience, you will surely be the talk of the town. Nowhere in the world have you heard of reincarnated souls... You'll surely receive lucrative offers of being the next king of pop, you kick the swaggering carcass Jacko for me please, and will appear on every talkshows wherein you share your to-death-and-back experience. We will be watching that after they're done in the AVR. And here's the best part, while your enemies are intently watching you in their homes, you can scare them to death by crawling out of the glowing screen. But you must warn them of the impending horror by giving them a call one week before you plan to barge in. It wouldn't be fair if you'd just go right in, bitch-slap them, and turn their faces such that you could not bear the sight of your own doing.(just like sadako did in "the Ring") You can watch M. Night Shyamalan films for more ideas of scaring the hell out of people. And as a bonus, you can morph into a crow or a moth of the color of your choice on full moons!
f you were still not convinced of your apparent damnation or still in denial that you have long been forgotten by your peers... calm down, please....Yes, you are dead. It's all right, Bruce Willis was like that in Sixth Sense. But don't worry, i am here and i'll play the psychotic Haley Joel Osment for you. I definitely see a beautiful dead person in you. Now, this might inspire you a bit. Remember when i told you i am the third brainchild of the architect a while back? There were really three of us then but of course not all fairy tales have happy endings, we grew apart. Did you get to know Ozzy Osborne and Christina Aguilera? Yes, the dirrty black widow in fighter? They're among kindred spirits and soon you will be one of us. Now, if you excuse me, there's another one waiting on my tombsteps. Select a chamber and please be careful, you don't know what's in store for you....E-mail me if you couldn't find your way to the chamber of rebirth... Goodluck!